The other day, I picked up a local newsletter in a café and idly flicked through the pages. The second last page caught my eye. It was filled with the adverts of various spiritual gurus who promised to solve all problems, cure any illness, and vanquish black magic, at a very reasonable charge. I’m pretty sure that the niche for such gurus is not going to go away in the future. If anything, they will be even more popular… 

Plagued by rogue AIs? Home security turning on you? Worried sick of the coming alien invasion? Have no fear, Prof. Monneyswami is here. I can solve all your problems, big and small, asleep and awake, real and virtual, earthly and celestial. I can help you remember past lives in other parts of the multiverse, and connect with loved ones of all shapes, sizes and biologies. Through face, palm, toe and planet readings, I can tell you what the year 2046 has in store – and how to use it to your advantage. I am also expert in removal of software infestations in your home and body networks.

See results in twenty-four hours! Only 199 dollars per session! What are you waiting for?

Extra: Powerful holy amulets provide life-long guarantee against alien invaders! FREE with your first session (Offer lasts only until talks with the Arguks’ ambassador do).

Can’t come to me? I will come to you! Dial 900-SUCKER for full access to my virtual brain. (Only 19 dollars a minute)